Living Out Loud

Something Heavenly

2012-01-23T16:43:00.000-06:00

"Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly"

Guess what? I don't have a clue what I'm doing. There, I said it. I, Kathryn Reed, do not have it all figured out. Last semester was wonderful, and so far this semester has been the same. But things are so different from last semester already. It's like I'm having to adjust all over again. First off, last semester I felt like I had finally found my "group of friends" to chill with. Whenever I went to the caf to eat, they were there. Whenever I went to do this, that or the other they were there. But not they aren't... It's like they've disappeared, or I ended up on a different schedule than everyone else or something. IDK what it is, but they aren't there and I'm feeling a lot less "plugged in" to MC right now. Maybe it's because the semester is still just getting started. IDK. But it's funny. There were very few people from MC that I really missed over Christmas. I missed MC to be sure. But the PEOPLE I missed were mostly in my youth group. IDK why I'm feeling so much more plugged in there but I am... Somehow this semester the people I want to be around all the time, the people I talk about all the time, the people I think about all the time, they're my youth group and coworkers. Have we really become knit together that much??? The people I'm making plans with aren't from MC, they're from Madison.... I feel like I'm on a risky ledge. I have the potential to quickly fall totally in love with this group of friends and forget to stay involved on campus. Or I could fall totally in love and still maintain a healthy involvement at MC. Or I could fall totally in love and get my heart broken. Honestly? I'm a little bit scared of that. But what scares me even more is the fact that I may have already fallen totally in love and there's no choice to be made. So yeah, I'm totally confused right now. But in the midst of all this confusion I know that God is working on my heart. He's doing something heavenly inside of me. I wish I could figure out what that was but I can't. For now I'll just rest on his promise that He who began a good work in me WILL complete it.

Roommates, Roadtrips, and Relaxing

2012-01-16T00:02:00.000-06:00

So I can officially say I survived the first week back at school after one very LONG Christmas break. I like all my teachers so far, and my schedule is working out swimmingly. But my first "bump on the road" hit Wednesday (aka my Birthday). NOTICE: It was by no means a bad day. In fact I really enjoyed my birthday. This just happened to be the day these things happened. After my morning class Wednesday I was sitting in my room when my suitemate walked in having sharp pains and needed to go to the emergency room. Since I was free until after 1, I took her. She was passing another kidney stone. So I trade off with a friend and come back for class and then head to work. Work went normally and I come back to my room to hear my roommate on the phone with her mom, making her final decision to withdraw from MC. She moved out on Thursday, and by Friday I was filling out the forms for my friend Chelsea to move in. So we are waiting to hear back about that. But yes, that's right, you did not misread anything. I, Kathryn Reed, am abotu to have my third roommate in one school year. Can I just say that I really hope this one stays? So that brings you up to date on my living situation.

Yesterday I took a roadtrip to New Orleans with a couple of friends. It was fun, but not nearly as awesome as I had hoped. I certainly enjoyed my trip, and I loved my purchases and experiences. But I learned some things about myself. Like a) I get really frustrated when I can't breath because of cigarette smoke. b) I really hate crowds. and c) when someone asks me 5 times if I'm okay and I have already told them I'm fine, I get really pissed off. So while I enjoyed it, it was by no means my ideal roadtrip, and I will definitely be more selective next time about who I choose to invite on my endeavors. But I do feel like I somewhat satisfied my adventure bone. At least in the sense of travelling to that city and exploring it.

So after a day like yesterday, I was exhausted. I decided to sleep in today and go to the late service at church again. And then I had myself a little picnic and spent the afternoon at the Rez. I have decided that it is one of my new favorite places to chill. I totally took a nap there. And got my reading done for History. After all that relaxing this afternoon, I am ready to get up tomorrow and clean my room and organize for the week ahead. I am ready to set down some goals for myself physically and achieve them. Bring. It. On.

Family

2012-01-03T00:07:00.001-06:00

This past weekend I went on an amazing retreat with the youth group I intern for. I didn't realize until I was on the trip just how much these teens had become my family. It happened so fast, I never saw it coming. I realized that I would be content to live the rest of my life with this group of people. And that realization caused me to ask questions. I don't expect these questions to be answered very soon, but I know God will reveal it all to me in his perfect timing. But I've been wondering lately what he is going to have me do with my degree in Christian Counseling. There's several different ways I could go. But lately I've been considering the possibility of taking it and going to seminary and going into youth ministry. I don't know. We'll see what God has in store for me. But what I do know now is that I'm in the right place. And this week I'm in the right place. Earlier this year I was questioned many times about going to Passion. I just did not feel a calling to go this year, even though I know it is an amazing conference. But nevertheless the money for it wasn't there and I just somehow knew that God had something different in mind. So the closer it got to this week the more curious I became about what was in store. Today I found out why he had me home. I didn't realize just how much I needed to spend time with my sister until today. Oh how we needed each other. We had a blast, and ended our day with a tear-filled heart-to-heart. Oh thank you Father for this opportunity. I had no idea what was happening until it happened. We need you Father. We need you to use us for your glory. We know that you see worth in us when we don't see worth in ourselves. So I've learned something already this year. Family is so much more than just flesh and blood. In fact, family doesn't have to be flesh and blood. Family is often more about trust, unconditional love, and just being there for each other. Sometimes family is about knowing your place in each others' lives. Sometimes family is about reminding each other why we care. Sometimes family is just flat out telling each other "Hey, you're stuck with me!" But the most important thing I've learned about family is that mileage truly doesn't separate your hearts. When God knits your heart together with a friend and they become family, you don't have to worry about it falling apart accidentally. God knits a pretty strong fabric. When God knits your heart together, you have found a true friend. I thank God for my true friends. My time spent with them is precious, it's special. It reminds me that I have a purpose here on this earth. It gives me fuel and drive to fulfill that purpose. Thank you Lord. You are worthy to be praised for your works. Only you could pick out a friend so perfectly fit for sisterhood. Only you can fulfill my desires. I trust you Father. I love you Father. I praise you Father. Because you are holy, I worship you.

Thoughts and Dreams

2011-12-25T23:36:00.000-06:00

So over the break I've been doing a lot of reading and movie watching. Go figure, the nerd would read her vacation away. But reading, this kind of free reading allows for so much more dreaming. As you may have figured out by now, I thrive on dreaming big. In fact, there was a time when my relationship with God grew a lot because he dared me to dream bigger. To dream of greater things. To move beyond my small little world and see all the possibilities he has for me. So I dreamed big--for a while. But let's face it, as my blog posts for my entire senior year may have shown, I kinda forgot how to dream big. I was too busy having my dreams crushed to dream a new dream. But time, and a lot of prayer, heals and while I may have longed for adventure for the past six months, I am now emotionally ready to dream big again. And dream I have. I realize that I was so caught up in proving myself this past semester that I forgot to explore all the places I wanted to. So next semester I WILL explore old town Clinton, knock around at the Nature Center, find a place to go camping, and maybe, just maybe, I'll finally go stargazing. I'll be brave and take a date to formal. I might even venture onto the dating scene, if God says that's okay. But what I want most of all out of this next semester is to dream big, to grow closer to God, and to have just one really fantastic adventuresome weekend.

In other news, I have had a lot of crazy deep thoughts lately. I know, amazing how not spending every other hour studying will allow for that. So I have had a couple of awesome "that is soooo God" moments. Like the other day when I was talking to Becca about marriage. IDK why, but all of a sudden it just hit me the idealization of marriage and what that has to do with depravity. You see, in the past couple of months (while I've been on this Guy Fast) I have been noticing all these little facts about the fall of man in relation to women 'needing' men. So it is very clear in the story of creation that God created woman not as an afterthought, but as a helpmate. So God created women to work alongside men as a team, and everyone knows that a team must be unified. And at the time of creation, man and woman were perfectly unified. And God was with them. See in the ideal marriage, it's like a triangle. Man and woman are growing closer together and closer to God and becoming unified and knit together. So before the fall of man that is exactly how it was. They were unified. But when sin entered the world, we were not just separated from God, we were separated from each other (at least in the ideal form). Depravity in that since is not just about separation from God and all that being with him is, it's about being separated from the husband God intended for you. And then God created marriage, a holy union, to allow us to become one with each other again. So of course we long for marriage, because we long for that unity with each other and with God that Adam and Eve had in the beginning. So what that means for me, in terms of my longing to get married and such, is that I MUST keep in mind that I can marry someone, but it will NEVER fulfill that longing without first looking to God, and trusting him to knit my heart together with someone else, and viewing him as my first love and my one true love. I must allow God to romance me, to love me, I must reciprocate that, and only after I have made that my first priority will I be ready to marry..... So that probably made absolutely no sense to anyone but myself, but trust me, when you get this, it will blow. your. mind.

How to Love, and How to Let Go

2011-12-16T23:17:00.000-06:00

So these past few weeks God has been teaching me two incredible lessons... two incredibly tough lessons, that is. The first one is how to truly love someone. He's shown me that true love can be seen even in the smallest of gestures. Like when someone in the youth group remembers a simple prayer request you had and follows up with you about it. Like when one of your friends "shares" her cookies with you via skype. I've also seen that true love is not biting someone's head off when they deserve it. It's not making someone feel guilty for slighting your friendship when you know they are busy. True love is trusting in God when it feels like all your friendships are inadequate is some form or fashion. True love is realizing that the only relationship that can truly fulfill is a relationship with God. True love is seeing beyond the imperfections of relationships as the world knows them and striving to attain a Godly relationship. True love is seeking to make the other person truly happy before thinking about your own desires, because true love desires what the other person desires.

The other lesson, and quite honestly the harder lesson, is how to let go and knowing when to say goodbye. I've never thought of myself as a particularly jealous/clingy person, but lately I've seen more and more of that. I find myself offended by the least little thing, on edge around those I'm usually completely comfortable with, and shutting down around my closest friends. I see them hanging out with other people more and more, and I feel like they are ignoring me. What the heck is wrong with me? How can I be so self-centered? Perhaps it all comes down to one friendship, the one I'd be kidding you if I said didn't matter. The fact is, I feel I've been pushed to the edge where I can either keep fighting just to get a little quality time in, or I can let go of it and go on my merry way. How can I let something like this go? I fought so long and so hard for it... I was there in heartbreak (multiple ones) and in happy memories. I was there for every possible big occasion, and yet I've always had to force my way in when it should have been easy. When it comes down to it, we connected on a level I never knew before, and have not known since. It's like we could see into each other's souls. And now it's like we're falling apart. The fact is, when it comes down to only having a little spare time and you have to choose a friend to hang out with, the person that you choose over and over, that's your best friend. And repeatedly, I choose her, but she doesn't choose me. It's clear that it's time to let go. It's time to say goodbye to the relationship we once knew and settle for the slow decline we're in now. But I'm not ready. I'm not ready to accept it. When I said we'd be friends forever, sisters forever, I meant it. But how do we get past this obstacle in the road? What you did hurt. It affected more than just one person. Maybe it was good for you, but how you executed it was unacceptable. You built a HUGE wall in what was a perfectly good friendship. You couldn't leave well enough alone could you? You couldn't be honest from the get-go. What's this about someone else? You don't even have the guts to tell me about it. Maybe if you weren't being such a coward about it then our friendship would have a chance to be mended. But until this beating around the bush ends, I don't know how to handle you. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Please don't make me do this.

Merry Happy Wonderful Awkwardness...

2011-11-28T22:31:00.000-06:00

Things are changing. I'm growing up. Traditions are changing. Sometimes that is hard to believe... Today as I was sitting in class (not really listening to the professor) it just hit me that this isn't high school anymore. This is COLLEGE. And sometimes I feel like I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I'm still going to high school, which totally doesn't make sense because I was homeschooled... But nevertheless sometimes I still feel that way. And sometimes I feel so grown up and ready to be where I am now...

Last week was harder than I care to admit. So many things about my favorite traditions have changed. For one thing, my brother wasn't there. He hasn't been for three years, but his absence seemed more pronounced this year. Maybe it's because Allen was also absent. It's still very hard to believe that he's married with a child now. We're still so young! When did we get to be adults? And the most obvious change of all was the fact that my dog wasn't there. I do not remember a single camping trip in our travel trailer without the dog... Every time Mollie and Coco needed to go for a walk, I looked around for teddy. Every night before bed I thought about his last run for the night, but he wasn't there. When I was curled up on the couch I missed him being on the other end. I still miss him so stinking much. While I'm here I'm okay, I can "forget" that he isn't around anymore. But when I go home it's still so painfully obvious. And I'm heartbroken over it. Everyone at home seems to be over their grief... But I'm so far from over it.

Overall my break was much needed and really good. The turkey was great, I ate way too much (go figure) and the Bama game was great. Now I'm back at school for the home stretch of my first semester. Woah... Where did the time go? It's crazy to think that I have accomplished this much already. And yet I still have so far to go. Could it really be true what Brandon tells me at work all the time? Was I really born to soak up the college experience? He seems convinced. It's amazing how awkward he can be and yet how well we can work together. I'm still not really sure how that works, but it does. I love my job. I really do. I am BEYOND blessed, no joke.

God is teaching me so much lately about truly experiencing things and not going through life passively. I don't want to miss out on what he's trying to show me because I'm so caught up in just getting the next task done. He's showing me that what I'm going through is passing quickly and time really does fly, so I have to appreciate each and every moment.

The Most Beautiful Thing

2011-10-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

These past few weeks have been crazy busy, and while that totally stresses me out, I also thrive on business. Things have happened the past few weeks that are quite frankly just plain crappy. My roommate had to move out for the rest of the semester. A couple of my new sisters were just plain mean to me and kinda ruined my day on Homecoming. A girl from my high school died tragically in a car accident last Sunday. That same day my best friend from high school's house burned. They think the damage was mostly superficial, and her parents got out safely, but it was still very shocking and upsetting to hear. So yeah, I have had a lot to complain about. And I'm sure I did more than my fair share of complaining (WAY MORE). But yesterday I decided I'm not gonna let it get me down.*Random thing: The bells just started ringing. It's 1:00pm! IDK why, but the bells always make me happy.* I'm not going let the devil have a foothold in my life. God is bigger than all my problems and fears. God is stronger than I and he can handle anything I throw his way. NOTHING surprises him. I'm not sure exactly how or when I came to this point, but I'm sure glad I did. It's beautiful. It's beautiful how God uses certain people that I've known for all of two months to bless me beyond belief! I never knew that I could get this close to my college family this fast. I know that I can rely on these girls to come through for me. I know that I can rely even on those that I'm not super close with to come and help me when I need them. Because that is what MC is all about. Faith and Family. You really do find that here.

So I'm doing this Guy Fast with my friend and quite frankly, I was not feeling any results. And then it came to me that I can't rush God's timing. He's NOT going to take away my feelings or attraction toward guys. He created me to be attracted to them. But what he will do is romance me and love me and draw me closer to him. He will draw my attention away from guys and onto him and his will if I turn over the reigns to him. IDK. Maybe it's just me, but I'm in love with the idea of being in love with God. And I love being romanced by God. and I just love God. And for some reason this turning point in my mind came to me last night sitting in my accountability group and it just clicked: God wants me to be attracted to him way more than I am attracted to some guy at college. God wants me to be a hopeless romantic for HIM. Except with him it's not hopeLESS. It's full of hope. Jeremiah 29:11 says he will GIVE me hope. So I'm hopefully romantic for God right now. It's more than a feeling. It's a lifestyle. And I want to stay in this lifestyle for the rest of my life. So in an indirect way, these guys here at MC are teaching me how I should love my first love. I'm thankful for my best friend. I'm thankful that she and I decided to go on this guy fast together. It's a beautiful thing.

Blessed Assurance
Jesus is mine
Oh what a foretaste
of glory devine
Heir of salvation
Purchase of God
Born of his Spirit
Washed in his blood
This is my story! This is my song!
Praising my savior all the day long!
This is my story! This is my song!
Praising my savior all the day long!

and then i cried...

2011-10-03T23:12:00.000-05:00

You know those times when you're flying through life, enjoying every minute of it, basking in the presence of God, and then out of nowhere you hit a wall? And not just any wall, a wall that seems ten layers thick and fifteen feet high and you just ran into it FACE FIRST. Yeah that happened about two weeks ago when I received a phone call from my parents letting me know that my dog had passed away. Very unexpectedly, he had a seizure and died. And there I was four hours from home crying on my best friends shoulder and just waiting for someone to wake me up from this horrible nightmare. But I didn't wake up. Because it was reality. Real, ugly-faced reality. And they next couple of days were hard. I was having so much fun with Rush and yet I was devastated by the fact that my dog of 8 years was gone. How could it be true? It was so hard to accept. I guess in the back of my mind I didn't really believe it till I walked across the porch last Friday and he wasn't in the window. I told myself thirty seconds earlier that I would be fine, that I would be strong and it would be okay. But when I looked in the window out of habit I fell apart. I could hardly get the door open I was crying so hard. I've lived in this house my entire life, but Friday I felt like a stranger in a foreign land. I had that dog almost half of my life, and he was ALWAYS there for me. Everytime I was upset about something he was there to comfort me. Sitting loyally by my side while I petted him and cried out my hurts. For so long he provided comfort, and then when I was hurting Friday he wasn't there. He was gone. His food and water bowl, gone. His blanket, gone. And all I wanted was my dog there to pet, but I couldn't have him. Saturday I went to the hunting club and hiked to the top of the mountain where he is buried. Once again the water works flowed freely. I looked around at the beautiful view, the trees, the animal tracks that Teddy would have loved to sniff and explore. How can he really be gone? I walk into the kitchen and someone has left the laundry room door open. I start to fuss that the dog is go nna get in the trash, but then I remember. I start to think that it's about time to take Teddy for a walk and look for his leash, but he's not there. He's not asking. My Dad walks through the door after work and I think it's time to take Teddy for his midevening walk, but there's no need. This house seems so different without him. EVERY ASPECT of life at home is different. He isn't there to check the mail with me, to wake me up, to chase his own tail right before bed time, to bark through every episode of Wipeout, to eat dinner at the same time as me, to lay on the clean clothes before I have a chance to fold them. I miss him. I miss him SO MUCH. I don't remember camping in our travel trailer without him. He was such a huge part of my life. How am I supposed to move on?

this awkward phase i call life.

2011-08-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

I am an open book with no one to read me. Or at least that the way it seems right now. Everything and everyone is distant. The friends I once connected with so well no longer seem to get me. Their interests are different. Their lives are chock-full of things that quite frankly I don't care about. Those friends that still remain close to me seem to be busy with their own lives, and we barely manage to see each other in passing. Hanging out? not an option. My life is going one way and their's another. So what do I do with all these feelings and stories and ideas and dreams inside of me? I feel like I'm a social recluse. Totally out my element in matters of deep friendship.

I want to travel, and do adventurous things. I'd love to go on a road trip and only camp along the way. I'd love to go to the beach and sleep under the stars. I'd love to go on a weekend bike trip along a rail-to-trail path. I'd love to take random Sunday afternoon hikes/picnics. But who will go with me on these adventures? Who will share my interest in outdoor expeditions?

I feel like I'm finally starting to be recognized by guys as something other than a freak of nature. Like they look at me and see a girl, not some weirdo. But all of a sudden I am some bumbling idiot who can't string two coherent sentences together, much less attempt to flirt. Or even carry on a conversation. I don't want to be the dorky girl who never has a date to anything at college. It was awkward in high school, now it's just depressing. I'm not saying I need a guy to make me happy. But I'd love to at least have a friend to go with to a formal or something.

As you can see I'm thoroughly depressed and in desperate need of something to do. Perhaps tomorrow will bring about some joy and happiness...

The Problem(s) with Feminism

2011-07-01T21:49:00.000-05:00

So a random thought occured to me about feminism this evening, and IDK, I just feel the need to blog about my issues with girls thinking more highly of themselves than they ought. So my biggest problem with feminism is that it belittles men. If a man wants to open a door for a lady (which by the way, is darn good manners), feminism steps in and says that the lady is perfectly capable of opening her own door. If a man wants to pick up the tab on a date (which, again, DARN GOOD MANNERS), feminism says that the lady is equal to the man in every way and therefore she should pay her part for the meal. If a man wants to protect a woman from something, feminism steps in and says that she can take care of herself. That's just WRONG!!!!!! Okay, so God created women to be a helpmate for men, and he told the men to protect and provide for women. I'm all for women being able to vote, and women working to help pull their weight in the household, but feminism has gone too far. It tells the man that he should go against EVERY INSTINCT and let the woman fiend for herself, let her take care of everything. And quite frankly, most marriages are falling apart today because of feminism! The women are taking control and knocking men down, and the men do not know what to do! So the men just sit there and do nothing and the women get mad and complain about that. Well quite frankly ladies, it's your fault in the first place. I for one expect a guy to pick up the tab on a date (at least on the first 3, if it's a regular ordeal sharing the cost is being fair). I expect a man (at least one I'm on a date with/married to/related to) to open a door for me. Now I can protect and care for myself, but I expect any man of mine to take care of me so that I don't have to. Call me old-fashioned, I beg of you. I'd rather be old-fashioned and feel at peace in my life than be feministic and falling apart. Now I'll pull my weight, I'm fully prepared to cook and clean and rear children. I'm not going to be a couch potato all my life. But my man WILL do his part in our marriage. Otherwise I won't marry him in the first place.

But anywho, that's not the MAIN reason I wanted to blog about feminism tonight, I kinda went off on a tangent there. I realized today that women are always complaining about how men "objectify" women. Well this REALLY bugs me, since women are just as guilty as men. I realize that sometimes I'm guilty of this myself. I mean men look at a women and talk about her beauty and all like she's nothing more than an object, like she has no feelings or depth behind that skin. Well people, I did the same thing last night. I bargained a deal about who gets to date which celeb (in our dreams) with my best friend last night. I talked about the guy as if he was nothing more than just a pretty thing to look at. So we have absolutely NO ROOM to complain about men objectifying women when we do it ourselves. I mean come on girlfriends, who are we kidding? The only reason we watch chick flicks is because we pretend we're the main girl and we drool over the hot guy playing the lead. I mean, if the lead guy isn't cute there's really NO POINT in watching the movie. I mean, I'm better off watching Channing Tatum work his muscles in GI Joe at that point. All that to say, we really can't expect guys to treat us with respect if we don't show them some, and that's where feminism is flawed, because it shows guys absolutely no respect. The End. For now at least.

Soon and Very Soon....

2011-06-26T14:45:00.000-05:00

Less than 2 months from now, I'll be writing from college. Orientation was fantastic, and it just felt like home. Like I'm going to make it. I'm going to adjust to living 4 hours away from the people who raised me and taught me everything I know. I'm going to be okay. The more I think about my class schedule, the more I like it. The only thing I would add to it is Old Testament, but I don't want to overload myself (especially since I'm taking the Humanities Block) and I know that good things will come in time. Hopefully next semester. :) I love a good challenge, and I'm sure this semester will pose challenges on every level: emotional, physical, mental and spiritual. But I can do this. I've got a stellar roommate, a fantastic best friend, and last but not least one awesome God. I loved being at MC. I can see why Becca is so homesick for it. All in all I'm ready for move-in day.

As for the guy situation.... Let's just say there's a variety of attractive boys, a bigger "cute" pool than I had in church and high school put together. Let the name of the Lord be praised, he made some beautiful creatures we call men. hahaha But seriously though, I can't wait to make new friends, whether they be boys or girls. I met so many super nice people this weekend that I could never possibly remember all their names. AND HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!! Gorgeous guys in BLUE shirts were EVERYWHERE! I'm beginning to think Becca sent out a memo or something. lol As you can see I really enjoyed orientation and I can't wait for move-in day. I just have a little more shopping to do for my dorm room and I'll be set.

Adventures in Frappuccino Recipes (and other goings on)

2011-06-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

Hello Old Friend! Did you miss me? Well I've missed you. But life has been a litte crazy and unconventional lately, so naturally blogging was the least of my worries. I live in an area that was affected by the Tornado Rampage of April 27th, 2011. So for six weeks or so I was without internet. But I refuse to complain about that even though I really don't think AT&T has any excuse (Charter was back up within 3 weeks) because honestly? I have a roof over my head. All my favorite t-shirts? They're still in tact. My bedroom still contains everything it did before the EF4 ravaged my neighborhood from 40ft in the air. All of my family is alive and well, and the Lord blessed me with the opportunity to serve my community. I am blessed beyond all that I could ask for. So internet? A minor setback.

Oh didn't you realize? You are talking to a high school graduate now! Yes, amidst all the storm recovery I managed to graduate, attend the midnight premier of Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides, and get Salutatorian! Okay, I'll stop bragging now.

So far my summer has consisted of hanging out with my friends and taking min-adventures. I have been introduced to a wonderful new friend: Plato's Closet. I saw Soul Surfer in the dollar theater. I played dominoes and thrift shopped with my friend from TN and another close friend from down here. I have checked out several movies from the Library that I've never seen and watched them (BTW, Valentine's Day is a complete waste of time). I've shopped with my roommate for dorm supplies. I have spent the night with a friend catching up and watching Glozell videos on youtube (she's HILARIOUS!). And my most recent adventure was trying to make a homemade frappuccino. First attempt= Complete Failure. It wasn't bad, but it definitely wasn't Frappe` material. So if anyone would like to share their favorite Frappuccino recipes I'd appreciate. I'm currently scouring the internet for my next recipe to attempt.

Tomorrow I go to overnight freshman Orientation. And I know this is crazy but not only am I super excited, I am soooooo nervous!!!! Like, I really want to make new friends and make a good impression on people. Most of all, I don't want to come off like the klutzy-nerdy-dorky-imposter-in-a-cheerleader-uniform that I did in high school. I'd love to exude a little maturity, possibly some class, a little cutesy attractiveness for the boys? It's not that I am ashamed of being a klutz/nerd/dork, it's just that I'd like someone to notice the other qualities too, like killer sense of fashion AND comfort, pretty eyes, and a firm handshake. Is that so much to ask? I guess we'll find out this weekend. Good thing is I will have a good group of friends with me to fall back on if I totally fail at friend-making. Maybe this will satisfy the "big adventure" i've been craving this summer.

Well until next time I'll remain hopeful and hopelessly romantic. Farewell!

standing in awe

2011-04-20T22:44:00.000-05:00

So these past couple of weeks have had several moments of standing in awe of Jesus. Tonight was another one of those instances, so I figured I'd blog about my thoughts as of late. Well let's start with the other night talking to Becca. I was thinking of how some people go WAY over board when it comes to sacrilege. I had mentioned that I was "gearing up" for the weekend (Easter) and then i thought of how some people might take that as being irreverent. And let me tell you, I was not being irreverent by saying that, I was merely saying I was refocusing my energies this week on fully celebrating what Jesus did for me, and focusing on reaching out to others with the good news. I mean, I try to do this all the time, but there is something so pure and precious about celebrating Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection at this time of year. So I was thinking about that, and that got me thinking of sacrilege and how some people would say I was a bit sacrilegious to use the term "gearing up" in relation to Jesus Christ. But if that be the case, then literally ANYTHING I have to say in relation to God would be sacrilege. I mean, what do I truly understand of who God is? What qualifies me to say ANYTHING about God? As the song goes, WHAT DO I KNOW OF HOLY? So I had this in awe of Jesus moment as I tried to fathom how little I truly understand of Holiness. And tonight..... As you know, Passover is celebrated the week before Easter Sunday. So tonight we partook of the Lord's Supper in remembrance of Jesus. And we watched several clips from the Passion of the Christ. If you've never seen that movie, you need to. It's AMAZING. It will bring you to tears, but it is so worth it to help you understand just a little better what Jesus went through for you. He didn't just go through it FOR you, he went through it BECAUSE of you. That thought totally flipped my world around. WOW. And in watching all that I was heartbroken. Jesus had his body LITERALLY ripped apart, was beaten, and NAILED to a cross BECAUSE I DIDN'T OBEY MY PARENTS. BECAUSE I WAS SELF-ABSORBED. BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACCEPT WHO HE CREATED ME TO BE AND TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And I have the nerve to snap at my brother? and I have the nerve to sherk my responsibilities? WHAT DO I KNOW OF HOLY???????? I am so in awe that someone loves my soul enough to save it. I am so thankful and blessed and beyond amazed that he wants to use ME to accomplish great things. Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city.

What Do I know of Holy- Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all, no

If You touched my face would I know You

Looked into my eyes could I behold You

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean

Are You fire, are You fury

Are You sacred, are You beautiful

What do I know, what do I know of Holy

I guess I thought that I had figured You out

I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about

How You were mighty to save

Those were only empty words on a page

Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean

Are You fire, are You fury

Are You sacred, are You beautiful

So what do I know, what do I know of Holy

What do I know of Holy

What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame

And a God who gave life it's name

What do I know of Holy

Of the One who the angels praise

All creation knows Your name

On earth and heaven above

What do I know of this love

What do I know of You

Who spoke me into motion

Where have I even stood

But the shore along Your ocean

Are You fire, are You fury

Are You sacred, are You beautiful

What do I know, what do I know of Holy

What do I know of Holy

What do I know of Holy

What to say....

2011-04-16T14:15:00.000-05:00

So last night was prom... It was fabulous and everything prom should be, even though the weather kinda ruined my hair. The decorations and venue were fabulous, the music and dancing fun as all get out, and the before and after activities entertaining and perfect for our group. But honestly? Other than that? What do you say about prom? I mean, it was fun and all, but I didn't have any "magical" moments or anything like that. The guy of my dreams didn't come rushing to my side during a slow dance and ask me to dance with him. I'm not trying to be cynical, just stating the fact as they are. But my precious friends expect a detailed report. What do I tell them? I had fun, I danced, I was flat worn out by the end of the night. The end? Seems kinda lame and stereotypical. But thus is my prom experience. I just keep telling myself it's tired person in me talking. it'll be okay once I get a full night's rest. Sigh.... I don't want to put a damper on the end of a great night. I just think I really need something to occupy my time this evening that doesn't require much thought or energy. yeah that sounds good.......

Favorite Things...

2011-04-12T17:32:00.000-05:00

In no particular order, I thought I would list some of my favorite things.

1) Spring showers... You know the ones that aren't thunderstorms but just enough rain to make you want to dance in it? Yeah, those are pretty fantastic. And if they leave puddles for me to jump in, well then that's just pretty freakin' awesome!

2) John Frieda Frizz-Ease Hair Spray. Keeps the frizz from coming back after a good styling, and always great for getting those beachy waves. It's one of those things that I won't compromise on.

3) Stretching. It's been proven that stretching and taking deep breaths calm your nerves and relieve stress. And it keeps my muscles from getting tense and tight after a good workout. I love the burn of stretching out stiff and sore muscles... yeah, I'm weird like that.

4) Nike running shoes... Best running shoes I've ever had. I'm in love with them.

5) Dancing through my house. I tend to do this a lot. But it's TOTALLY WORTH IT. Such fun.

this could take a while.....

2011-04-08T22:31:00.000-05:00

Consider yourself warned: I plan to cover many topics that are on my mind tonight.

Firsters, I read a new book this past week. AH-mazing! It's called "The Cinderella Society" and it's by Kay Cassidy. Talk about liberating and girl power, this book is full of it. So I don't want to give away the whole book, but basically there is this secret society of women who are trying to be true to themselves and protect the "reggies" (regular people) from the Wicked (evil people-obviously). It's pretty awesome. A couple of things really got to me while reading the book, a) their creed. Their creed is to celebrate your strength, embrace your future, and be extraordinary. Now obviously in my mind I modified it a bit to "Celebrate your strength in God (2 Corinthians 12:9), Embrace his will for your life (Jeremiah 29:11; Proverbs 3:5-6), and Be extraordinary." But, with those modifications, I thought about how true this could be for my life. I mean, there's a lot to be said for that phrase, especially the embracing his will. And the second thing that got to me was their rule about "no wicked chatter." Definition of wicked chatter: gossip, any negative conversation in general about anybody, including yourself. That one got to me, because so many people joke about themselves in a very negative way. And if you say something negative about yourself over and over, eventually you'll start believing it. And you have to stop listening to the negativity from other people too. That really got to me. When I was going through all this crap with cheerleading, I knew that I made some mistakes in how I responded to people. But I also knew that I was not the Cruella DeVille they were painting me to be. But the more things wore on, I began to question myself, was I who they said I was? Did I go looking for drama? Did I try to be difficult? And towards the end of football season I really had some serious questions about who I was. But throughout the course of basketball season I realized that I had succumbed to what they wanted me to believe about myself. No, I was not and am not who they say I am. I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD WHO REDEEMED ME WITH THE BLOOD OF HIS PERFECT SON. I am alive in Christ, and his power IS made perfect in my weakness. I AM more than a conquerer. I AM who he created me to be. I AM NOT a devil child, bent on ruining everyone else's life. And I had to come to terms with that. So basically, I have to stop the wicked chatter in my head. And I have to stop the wicked chatter about other people. And finally I have to stop listening to the wicked chatter, because it eats away at my spirit. It really does.

Okay so now that we've covered that, seconders! Well God has been doing some serious work in my life lately. I guess it really started with the Knoxville trip. He showed me that he can use my talents and abilities for his glory, and that I CAN do something right for once. It was the most fulfilling thing in the world. I felt like I made a difference for God's kingdom. In a positive way! And then when we had that banquet for the lovely ladies.... WOW. Just WOW. God truly was moving in the place that night. I felt like a true princess....... And I was the one serving the food!!!!! God works in mighty ways. So after the trip I had some seriously stressful and busy weeks following. It was rough and trying. Mostly just trying to hold on to that closeness I felt with him in Knoxville when I felt like my life was stagnant and in a holding pattern. Then all of a sudden everything came to a pinnacle this week when God broke me again. HE BROKE ME. I can't explain the feeling to someone who has never felt it before. But basically what happened was I was overwhelmed by God and who he is, and I realized that my righteousness is filthy rags. And I was burdened for my generation. So complacent. So all about me. So blind to what the real world is like. I basically have two spiritual goals this year: to be more of a servant/gain the heart of a servant, and to be more of a prayer warrior. So I made a list of prayer requests and petitioned on behalf of my friends for the Lord to work in their lives.... And somewhere in the middle of that I was moved to the point of tears. And then I began to read my Bible for a while, and I was reading the first chapter of Lamentations (which i have yet to finish, because this moment was so powerful) and I came upon a verse that made the bitterness inside me long to be smothered. Lamentations 1:9 "Her filthiness clung to her skirts; she did not consider her future. Her fall was astounding; there was none to comfort her. 'Look, LORD, on my affliction, for the enemy has triumphed.'" Wow. The bitterness within me was replaced by a heavy heart for my "enemies." That verse seemed to sum up the current actions and their future. Their fall will be astounding, and there will be none to comfort them. And I pray with all my heart that God will redeem them and they will turn from their ways and go on to pursue Christ in all his fullness. And Wednesday night Jamin was preaching on caring for those around you while waiting on God. His message was powerful and brought to tears once again. I want to be a beacon of light for those around me who live in darkness. I'm so sorry for my bitterness. It will take a while to overcome it, but I can do so through the power of the Almighty God.

Thirders, a completely different note. It's that time again. Lyrics that currently apply to my life and/or are just stuck in my head a lot lately!

I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lean back against you and breath, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand, I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming. The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you.

And he set me on fire, and i am burning alive. with his breath in my lungs, i am coming undone. and i cannot hold it in, remain composed. love's taken over me, so i propose to letting myself go. i am letting myself go. you are my joy, you are my joy, you are my joy, you are my JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You stay the same through the ages. Your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid. Because I know that you love me, and your love never fails. All things work together for my good. You make, all things work together for my good.

We're not done yet, not going quietly into the night, not me and my friends, we're not done yet don't take it to seriously, it's just life we'll win in the end. And it goes on and on and on and on.

Yeah I'm a wildflower growin in the sunshine soaking up the way of life I was raised in. Runnin barefoot blooming in the summer shower, ponytail dancin I can't help it, I'm a wildflower.

Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say 'you know i haven't seen you around, before.'

Woah, you're oh so beautiful! You don't need anyone's approval! You've got to believe in yourself! You know you are, you're crazy beautiful.

Whatever comes, we'll rise above. you fail us not, you fail us not. no matter the war, our hope is secure. you fail us not, you fail us not.

we've been down to the bottom, stories we got 'em when we hit rock bottom. if you've been there put your hand in the to let somebody know that the Most High cares.

I'm convinced, I'm persuaded I will not be separated from the love I have in you. Cuz neither death, nor life could severe, neither height, nor depth could measure the love you have and my love for you.

I hope for you, you for me and together we can say it'll be okay.

Life. Currently.

2011-04-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

So if you know me very well you know that while I'm not great at many sports, and I am an athlete to the core. Since I officially finished higschool cheerleading two months ago, I have missed it greatly. And my body has taken a toll on me too. Immediately I started to feel sluggish all the time, and my appetite was suddenly through the roof. I never realized working out just a couple of times a week was affecting my body THAT MUCH. But I guess that my favorite quote from Legally Blonde is true "exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't shoot their husbands." I'll have to keep that in mind when I get married. But endorphins really do make you feel better, and since working out makes you thirsty, so you hydrate more, you naturally don't eat as much because your stomach feels fuller after drinking water. And I've noticed I don't crave fatty foods as much (notice I said AS MUCH) when you work out regularly. I guess that's my subconscience telling me "hey! you'll feel it later!" So all this to say I've found some simple workouts that I can work into my daily routine fairly often. And my goal currently is to do them every day from now until April 15th (PROM!) so I'll be in tip-top shape. My arm workouts aren't very intense, I mostly just want to keep them toned, but my leg/ab workouts are pretty kick-butt!

Arms: I use 1 lb weights for my arm workouts. Mostly, because it's easy to do the arm workouts while keeping up with my shoulder therapy (to keep my older injury from getting in bad shape). I do a simple curl-and-push workout on an 8-count. I start with both arms down in front of me, and lift one like I'm doing a curl, then the other (on counts 1-2). Then I press up straight above my head with each arm (on counts 3-4). Then I come back down to shoulder level on 5-6, and drop all the way down 7-8. I usually like 20-30 of these cuz they're pretty easy. Then I clasp both dumbells behind my head and lift straight above my head. I do about 20 of those. And that's about it for the arms.

Legs: My leg workouts sound simple, but they are really kick-butt, which is exactly what I need to whip my thighs into shape. I do outward squats (like a demi-plie' for dancers and a sponge/squash/squat for cheer bases). I do about 20-30 of those. Then I move on to my second-most hated work-out ever. I hate it because it's such a butt kicker. But I'm already feeling the amazing results of it. I do lunges in place. 10 on each leg with a simultaneous arm curl to keep myself from thinking to much about the burn in my legs. I hope to start doing 20 on each leg after the 15th. My calves are pretty toned so I don't worry about them too much, but I do walk around on my toes A LOT so that's part of why they are toned.

Abs: It's one of the most well-known ab workouts and you've probably done a lot of them in your lifetime: crunches. But you see I ALWAYS had trouble doing crunches properly, I always ended up with a sore neck and basically no results with my abs. But recently I learned a trick to keep you from having that problem: press your tongue into the top of your mouth. It helps you to keep your neck muscles from being strained and forces you to use your abs. Even doing that, crunches don't seem very kick butt. I can do three reps of 20 no problem. So I lay on the floor with a pillow under my butt and lower back but my shoulder blades on the floor. it takes it to the next level.

Well, speech and debate season is getting near it's end. I'm going to regionals in impromptu and nothing else. That's kind of a let-down but also a huge relief. I didn't really wanna work on my speeches anymore. lol. Nothing else really going on worth mentioning, just outings with friends, prom, and other senior stuff. I can't believe graduation is 44 days from now! I'm excited. Well I suppose I will let you know how I keep up with my workouts and such, but that's all I have to say for now. TTYL!

2011-02-19T20:10:00.001-06:00

this trip has been the best so far. god is really moving, and you can tell everybody is prayed up. i cant wait to get back and make a REAL post about.

2011-02-18T15:17:00.001-06:00

All packed up and about to hit the road for last Knoxville Mission Trip! praying that god will use us in a mighty way. i'll keep ya posted! MISSIONARY WOMAN! :)

2011-02-09T21:55:00.001-06:00

Just set up blogger on my phone! woohoo! now i can post while im out of the house! kinda cool? i think so. :) well not much else to say right now. TTYL!

WARNING: may spontaneously burst into tears

2011-02-09T00:09:00.000-06:00

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! I am so weird! Seriously, about a year ago, maybe a lil more, I didn't cry except when I was really angry, watching the notebook, or talking about cheerleading. Now I cry over EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! I feel like crying right now, for no apparent reason. Confession Time: I am still deeply haunted by the memories of football season. And I mean DEEPLY haunted. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!" But then, the rest of the time I'm completely chill. I should never be allowed to watch PS I love you again, no matter how much I beg. When I watched it with Becca over Christmas break I cried almost the whole way through. But guys, I want a love like that! I mean, seriously!!!!! And it didn't help that Gerard Butler was the lead male (I mean hello GORGEOUS!). But seriously, I cry WAY too much. And Friday is that last basketball game. MY LAST BASKETBALL GAME. As in my last time to cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I just might cry all the way home. B-ball season has been amazing this year. I'm so sad that it's over. But I'm so happy at the same time. Grrr!!!!!! Am I gonna be this emotional all year?!?!?! Cuz I seriously don't think I can take this. Oh my gosh guys, my dreams have been freaky lately. I mean really freaky. I will generally have two or three dreams in one night, and then not dream for a few days. But when I do have dreams, it's usually one creepy nightmare followed by love stories which I blush at the thought of admitting to anyone but my best friend, and then the rest are just WEIRD. I mean really, really, really WEIRD!!!!!!!!! And sometimes I worry about going back to sleep because I don't know what I will dream next!!!! But God did NOT give me this spirit of fear. NO, he gave me a spirit of POWER, of COURAGE, and of SOUND MIND. SOUND MIND. SOUND MIND. I do not have to go crazy, God has provided me with a sound mind. In other random news, something about being 18 makes it easier for me to joke openly with my Dad and Brother about how hot the movie stars are in their action flicks. I mean seriously, have you heard me rant about Channing Tatum?!?!?! I just realized I haven't defined the PGE list for you guys. PGE stands for Pretty Guy Eyes. To be on the list (yep, you guessed it) you must be a) male, and b) have pretty eyes. Movie stars tend to dominate the list, but people we know in real life are also up for nomination. Random names on the list include Channing Tatum, Chris Pine, Gerard Butler, and the oh so famous (in my mind) WILLIAM MOSELEY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a little obsessed with his eyes. I mean, if someone would like give me and opportunity to just stare into his eyes in real life I just might drool. Anywho, I'm obviously female. I cry one minute and gush about cute guys the next. Well that's all for now folks. So like, the end, and stuff.

Whirlwind

2011-02-07T23:35:00.000-06:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend right now, because I don't have time to maintain another relationship. And it's absolutely true. I'm so busy it's not funny. I am working my booty off trying to finish everything on time and get all these last few senior things done. I'm having a blast though. Seriously, my God is amazing. I still have bad days, BELIEVE ME. But it's been so much better lately. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot wait until the weather warms up though!!!!!!!!!!! UGH! It's supposed to snow AGAIN this week. It's killin me. Seriously. Spring please come soon!

Okay so super huge confession: I'm not excited about prom. Oh don't get me wrong, I look forward to getting all dolled up and pretty, but I'm not so excited about the actual event. I haven't got a date, and I almost certainly won't get one. Most of the kids in my senior class don't acknowledge my existence now, and the few that do will be wrapped up in their prom dates all night. So where does that leave me? IDK. And that's what got me not so thrilled. I keep wishing prince charming would just rush in and sweep me off my feet. But fat chance that's ever gonna happen. So that's the downside of my life right now. But seriously? That's a pretty petty downside. I'm mostly happy. Which is good.

Right now I'm exhausted so I'll just post a few lyrics that have been stuck in my head a lot lately and go to bed.

I've got my sights set on you, and I'm ready to aim. I've got a heart that will never be tamed. I knew you were something special, when you first spoke my name. Now I can't wait to see you again.

Can't read my, Can't ready my, no he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. My p-p-poker face my p-poker face. My p-p-poker face, my p-poker face.

They say that the road ain't no place to start a family. But right down the line it's been you and me. And lovin' a music man ain't always what it's s'posed to be. Oh girl, you stand by me. I'm forever yours, faithfully.

I'm about to let go, and live what I believe. I can't do a thing now, but trust that you'll catch me, when I let go.

I'm dancing with myself, I'm dancing with myself. I've got nothing to lose and I've nothing to prove cuz I'm dancing with myself.

It's two bare feet on the dashboard, yellin LOVE in an old ford. Cheap shades and a tattoo and a yoohoo, bottle rolling on the floorboard. Perfect song on the radio, sing along cuz it's what we know. It's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a simple wine, it's the summertime. Sweet summertime.

All princes start as frogs, and gentlemen as dogs, just wait till it's plain to see, what we're growing up to be. Cuz some frogs will still be frogs, and some dogs will still be dogs. But some boys will become men, just don't kiss us till then.

I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me.

So raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways. All my odds are ghosts. We will never be, never be, anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks. So c'mon and c'mon and raise your glass.

G'night!

Prom Date Scheming

2011-01-20T17:32:00.001-06:00

So I really have no intention of carrying out any of these ideas, but they are just the many joking schemes I have come up with to get a Prom Date. I fear I might become obsessed with getting a prom date if I'm not careful..... If I haven't already. But nevertheless, I present the following schemes.

1) The "Accidental Football" scheme. So if you don't know what Accidental Football is, you should search youtube for Marc and Nathan Productions and check out the "Nathan's Tips for picking up Chicks: Accidental Football" video. Needless to say, this scheme involves carrying a tray around from now until April 15th (Prom) to pick up a date. He just THINKS he's picking me up, really I'm picking him up.

2) The Sleep Texting Scheme. Recently I have started checking text messages in my sleep and not knowing it until sometime later the next day while looking through my inbox. So it stands to reason that I could "accidentally sleep text" some guy and ask him to Prom. It even has a back up plan, I could have been dreaming I was texting Fin from Glee if he says no, just to, you know, divert the awkwardness.

3) The Bacon Fishing Scheme. Everybody knows that guys love bacon, so this plan involves a fishing rod and a bucket of bacon on the second floor of the mall near my house. Cast the bacon down in front of some guy's face, and when he tries to take it, reel the bacon up to me, so he has to come to me to get the bacon. Bacon is a small price to pay for a prom date.

Well that's all the schemes I have time to post today. I'll post more later. TTYL!

wow.

2011-01-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

I didn't realize it was happening, but it was. I didn't think being hurt by cheerleading could affect every area of life, but it did. I thought things were finally back on track, and in many ways they were. But last week I realized things will never be back on track until I let my passions show. It was painful to hear, but I'm so thankful Mrs Tammy challenged us at practice last week. I may not have been committed to cheerleading heart and soul, but I am now. I finally figured it out. My passion was gone. It was hidden deep inside of me. I was told I was wrong to be passionate, so I hid it. I was told I was wrong to strive for excellence, so I stopped trying. But now I see things clearly, and I'm tired of going through the motions without emotion. I started to hide within myself, but I'm not going to. I've changed for the better, and I'm going to let the whole world see it. I still love cheerleading, and I am going to let it show. I still love my friends, and I am going to let them know. God, I am so sorry I let my passions lie dormant. That is not how you created me. You created me to be larger than life, and I'm going to be it. I know it won't always be perfect, but I know you will always be right by my side. It's time to feel things again. I'm not going to pretend to be happy anymore, I'm gonna BE happy. Thank you Lord for placing these people in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I am a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come. Hello 2011! Hello 18 years old! Hello high school graduation! Hello college! Hello world!

do you see it?

2010-12-27T17:30:00.000-06:00

the change. the sudden need to streamline. how the only thing i think about is college and what it will be like. do you see the change in me? the way that i am clinging to the simple things of childhood that bring joy. the way i constantly trying to prove to myself that i am adequate. do you see these little things? the way i don't listen to the same type of music i used to. or watch disney channel on a daily basis. the way i suddenly reject anything that might label me cool. the way i can usually tell a joke without laughing before the punchline now. the way i don't fawn over "him" anymore. the way i don't have a need to argue incessantly about everything. the way i avoid conflict. i feel like a different person now, do i look like one to you?

i feel as if the challenges i have faced this year have given me a new way of looking at things. a view of what is really worth fighting for. a fresh enjoyment for the things of the past. but i suddenly feel as if i'm growing more reserved. and i need to be in some ways. but somehow i feel as if i've lost that super open book outlook on myself. perhaps it's a good thing. perhaps i'm growing out of my immature cheerleader games and growing into being a young woman. maybe, just maybe, i am finally growing up.

i will be honest- i really like the person i am becoming. i feel like more of an individual now than i have in a long time. i feel like i'm not relying on my friends to guide my fashion sense. i feel like i'm growing into my own personality. it's a big one that's for sure. but i think i can make the best of the situation. i cant wait to see what's just around the corner for me!

Finally here....

2010-12-20T12:02:00.000-06:00

It's that long awaited for moment, when you are finally "old enough" to do certain things. Like stay out late, go on dates, get over drama in less than 20 minutes, and just have a blast. It's weird, my senior year of high school started in August, but it just now feels like it's REALLY taking off. I'm finally having the time I thought I was going to have. Busy as all get out, and doing stuff I love. Not consumed with drama, stressing about the ACT, hating everything I'm doing. Just chillin'. Four parent approved parties in less than 36 hours. One late night at the movies and Barnes and Noble. 3 weeks till my 18th birthday. It's like, woah! So this is what it feels like to just enjoy life for a while. It's awesome.

But I also reached another "finally here" moment: time to choose a college. And I don't know which one for sure yet, but I have an idea. I'm still praying and hoping for confirmation. Working on completing applications for admission, transcripts, etc. And I thought it would be stressful and scary, but guess what!? It's not!!!!! Not at all. It's actually kind of fabulous. I really like filling out college apps. So I'm kind of enjoying and savoring this moment too.

Who knew, after everything that was done to ruin the enjoyment of my senior year, that I would have a fabulous time instead? Well, I guess God knew. I am uber excited for Christmas to get here!!!!!! I love God. It's great to finally be on a mountain top.

Letters

2010-10-27T22:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Future Husband,

I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice, which you will one day discover is one of my favorite movies. Needless to say I'm in a rather "hopeless romantic" mood right now. I just wanted you to know that I look forward to the day when we come to realize God's plan for us as a couple. I am so thankful, that God has a plan for your life, and he will one day allow me to be a part of it. In case I forget to tell you sometimes, I am truly blessed to be a part of your life. You will probably never read this, seeing as how I'm posting it on my blog rather than putting it in my shoebox, but I just wanted to speak my heart tonight.

Dear God,

If it's not too much to ask, can I ask that you bless this weekend? It's my final regular football game (as in not the national championship) of my senior year and I really hope it turns out to be fun. I also would love to have a killer costume for my friend's Halloween party this Saturday. I just can't seem to make up my mind. Oh and I'd love for my allergies to be relatively calm since we are singing in choir Sunday morning. Thank you so much for the fun I had today with my friends! I am so looking forward to spending the rest of my senior year serving you!

Dear You,

Why do you do what you do to me??? I mean one day you are all about ignoring me and the next you are being sweet and funny..... Well it's not gonna work this time. You can't just act like I don't exist when I'm not around. You have got to show you're really in it for the long run this time mister. I'm not going to fall for your boyish games anymore. You may be really cute and funny and a gentleman, but I know better. Behind closed doors you better straighten up. Cuz I don't play that game. And just for the record, I enjoy flirting, but it cuts all too close to my heart. So if you're not flirting with a purpose then please, I beg you not to flirt at all. And I like to joke around, but it would be nice if you would make a clear distinction between flirting and just joking. Please? Thank you. Well anyway, I gotta go. Later.

-Everyday Supergirl

What to expect?

2010-10-21T12:33:00.000-05:00

Life has suddenly taken some interesting turns, and I'm not sure what to expect anymore. I've got a couple of very big decisions to make in the next few weeks. One decision has given way to a whole new question: How committed am I to speech and debate??? I certainly don't want to quit, but I must admit I'm definitely considering being slightly less involved than I used to be. All this decision making really adds up to one big question: What does God want me to do with the rest of my senior year? I honestly don't know the answer to this yet. I think some heavy duty praying may be in order to find out. Well that's where I stand right now. The end.

Getting Awesome By the Day...

2010-09-27T22:24:00.000-05:00

So as you could probably tell from the title, I'm in a good mood. I had a great weekend. I finally got to do a halftime that I planned, a dance that I made up last Friday. And it was the game against MY personal favorite school rival. So that was awesome. Then Saturday, I went on my first college tour. And then I spent the night with a friend who lives on campus at the very same college. So that was an AWESOME DAY! I loved the college, and the overnight stay was really cool. Yesterday I went to college sunday school at church with the same group of friends (my core group, minus my bff) and had an awesome Sunday morning worshipping and digging in God's word with them. Last night I went to the Senior Bible Study at church and just flat out enjoyed myself getting after God in that group as well. Today I got the final accessories for my homecoming outfit, and I got my ACT score! A composite score of 25, which I consider pretty good for my first time taking the test. So day by day, things are looking up, getting better. I'm happier and loving God. Right now I'm reading in several places in the Bible. I'm really getting into the Revelation Bible Study with the women's ministry at church. And I'm also learning a lot from Ecclesiastes. The Bible is soooooo amazing and I just love to read it! I need a new playlist for life right now as it is. Cuz it's pretty awesome. Anywho, that's my life lately. It's the most social life I have had in forever. lol. I'm tired now, so I guess I'm gonna go... BYE!!!! :D

I must confess my heart is pounding in my chest

2010-09-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

So I realized today that I have my fair share of secrets. Well not really secrets, per say, but just things I've never really shared with anybody before. And now I'm having these huge turning points in my life and I'm getting so excited about it and I realize, I have to go back and explain where I'm coming from before others can share in my elation. Like these two bigs God-things that have been going on in my life lately. First, my parents haven't been "involved" at church in a while. My dad went to sunday school every sunday. But my mom rarely went to church on Sundays and they never stayed for service, and they never came on Sunday night or Wednesdays. And I never really told anybody, but it bugged me. For several reasons that I don't care to share on the internet. But anyway, recently my mom has started coming to church again and they are both getting involved in stuff. My Dad is going to start helping teach a sunday school class. My mom is leading a small group table at the women's bible study on tuesday mornings. And I'm so stinkin happy to see my parents getting passionately involved in church again like I am. I really like it.

The second thing is my desire to study God's Word. I will be honest, I have never had really steady Quiet Time habits. It's like it has come and gone in phases where I would do it everyday, and then after a while I go back to doing it my twice a week. But there has ALWAYS been one thing missing from my quiet time. I've never really THIRSTED for God's word. I've wanted to read it, sure. I have wanted to do a quiet time everyday. And I have longed for that thirst. But the passion that goes into thirsting God's Word has just never been there. Now don't get me wrong, I am SOLD OUT for God and I love him sooooo much and want to honor him with my life. But sitting down everyday for alone time with him has always had desire but lacked passion. Until recently. I don't know exactly when it happened. But sometime in this past month that thirst has shown up. That passion has been there. Not a day has gone by this week that I haven't thought, I wanna read my Bible. And while I haven't been able to sit down and have prayer time and bible study AT THE SAME TIME everyday, I have had a prayer time and a Bible study. And I've been a "pray throughout the day" person for a while, but sometime this summer I sorta slacked off a little and started taking matters into my own hands. Now I'm back into that habit of praying frequently. I don't know exactly when it happened, but God has given me a fresh passion, and I'm LOVING it. Thank you Lord Jesus for your passion and fresh perspective. Thank you for your mercies, thank you for loving me. I am so happy to be serving you, and to FINALLY have the passion for your word.

Musicality

2010-08-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

Many are they increased, that trouble me. Many are they that rise up against me. Many are they that say of my soul, there is no help for him in God. But thou, oh Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the lifter of my head. Thou, oh Lord, are a shield for me. My glory and the lifter of my head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The enemy's been defeated, and death couldn't hold you down. We're gonna lift our voice in victory, we're gonna make our praises loud. Shout unto God with a voice of triumph. Shout unto God with a voice of praise. Shout unto God with a voice of triumph. We lift your name up, we lift your name up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pray your brakes go out running down a hill, I pray a flower pot falls off a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to. I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls. I pray you're flying high, when your engine stalls, I pray all your dreams never come true. Just know wherever you are honey, I pray for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's too late to apologize, too late.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, sayin AY-OH, gotta let go. I wanna celebrate and live my life, saying AY-OH, baby let's go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After all this has passed, I still will remain. After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain. Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again. And there'll be beauty from pain. You will bring beauty from my pain. My whole world is the pain inside me. The best I can do is just get through the day. And life before, is only a memory. I wonder why God lets me walk through this place?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life's like a novel, with the end ripped out. The edge of a canyon, with only one way down. Take what you're given, before it's gone. Start holding on, keep holding on. Cuz when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break, cuz it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your head, shake it off, then you stand.

I will be honest, I don't know what my next move is gonna be. I don't know whether I should just quit and let it go, or if I should keep fighting for it. I feel so torn. I feel like scriptures is showing me two sides. I'm at a crossroads, and I feel almost as if there is no visibly wrong answer. But is there????? I mean there is always a right and wrong for every person. These songs are just a piece of me right now.

Follow-Through

2010-08-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

You know, one of the most key things in changing the world is following through with your plans. I have so many grand and wonderful ideas to challenge people to step outside the box and really get after God. I have so many ideas for building others up and really encouraging people to be the best they can be. But oftentimes I lack one big thing, follow-through. I get this whole idea mapped out in my head, sometimes even planned out on paper, but I never finish it up. I never carry out those plans. Like my devotional book. I started it but never finished it, and eventually I just gave up on it. WHY? Why do I procrastinate on changing the world? I have so much to offer. I have no real excuse, other than fear. Fear is so stupid, it just holds us back from achieving excellence. You want to know the real reason I don't put everything I have into a debate case? I am too freakin scared that it will be terribly stupid and a huge failure. I don't want to put my heart into something that is going to cause indefinite pain. I am too scared of true success to really make a difference. What the heck is WRONG with me? I shouldn't feel this way. I'm so truly affirmed by the love God has bestowed upon me, why should I have any doubts that he will fulfill his purpose for me? Am I too cowardly to accept a challenge and go after it full on? Well you know what? I'm done. I'm done piddling my way through high school. I have the opportunity to make a real difference, and I'm taking it. I'm going through with my challenge. I am definitely not going to waste my senior year on feeling sorry for myself because not everything is going my way. I'm going to finally get some guts and follow through with my plans to make a difference. IDK how exactly, but I'm going to do big things this year for God's glory.

What If?

2010-08-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

My life is full of so many 'what ifs?' right now. What if I walked away from cheerleading tomorrow and never looked back? Would I regret it? Would I cry a lot over it? Would I have fun if I stayed? What would I do with all my spare time then?

or

What if I allowed myself to develop this budding friendship between me and a certain guy? Would we become close friends? Would I be able to continue guarding my heart? Would he be interested in me as more than friends?

or

What if got my homecoming accessories, and maybe even my dress, from Charming Charlies? Would I look as good as everyone else? Would I care? What if someone asks me to dance at homecoming?

Yeah, my life is full of what ifs right now. But I barely have time to ponder some of them, because I feel as if my life is dominated by cheerleading right now. Like it's trying to take priority over everything else in my life. How do I change that? It's not like I can reduce the responsibilities that go along with being a cheerleader. On one hand, I can see myself walking away, and being happy. I can see myself enjoying my senior year and having plenty of time to hang with my friends. But what friends? My usual crew is going their separate ways. Everybody else lives on the other side of town or is too busy with their own lives. So basically I would be quitting so i could become a hobbit. How come all of a sudden my former interests do not amuse me? Is this really the end of the line? The point where I make my decision? I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do!!! Lord, hear my cries! I need your help. Please give me a firm conviction. I need you now.

I know I'm not making very much sense right now. I'm very tired, stressed and distraught. Please be praying for me.

Complicated...

2010-07-25T22:23:00.000-05:00

That famous, annoying, hurtful, detested word: complicated. Why does it have such a negative connotation? Why must it be viewed as dreadful? Complicated can be good sometimes. It reminds us of God, of his creative and complex nature, of his greatness, of our need for him. So complicated isn't really all that bad, sometimes it just forces us to take things at face value.

I am a complicated person. I am a total girly-girl, and yet I have these weirdly rugged and tomboy-ish traits. I am very independent, but I feel like a lost puppy without my friends. I am very smart, by the books and on the streets, but I am a total ditz. I like myself, a little too much sometimes, which makes me detest myself. Yes, I am a very complicated person. There are many layers to my personality, and no one can say I'm not well-rounded. But there is one thing about me that is complicated and so defining: I absolutely cannot be taken at face value.

The media has painted a portrait of the modern "it" girl. She's stylish, popular, captain of her cheerleading squad, smart, beautiful, funny, and -much like mary poppins- practically perfect in every way. If you were to take me at face value, you would categorize me as an "it" girl, and you'd absolutely be wrong. I stick to the rules of what not to wear (most of the time, i let comfort in more than stacey would like). I have about 500 friends on facebook, and I've met every one of them in person. I am the captain of my cheerleading squad, and I was co-captain last year. I have a perfect 4.0 GPA and I plan to keep it that way for the duration of my senior year. I honestly like the way I look, I think God made me special and uniquely beautiful. I find myself funny, and I suppose my friends do too, either that or they are really good at laughing at something that isn't funny. But while I qualify on all those counts, I am by no means practically perfect in every way. I am deeply flawed. I'm a cheerleader who plans to buy a gun and get her license to carry concealed as soon as she turns 21. I am popular, but I would rather read a book than go out on a Friday night. I am stylish, but as I said, I like my comfort a little too much sometimes (sweatpants are my best friends). I am smart, but as I said, I'm a ditz. As you can see, I am not at all an "it" girl. In fact, I am the poorest example of an "it" girl you could find. You see, I have one really HUGE flaw that I don't consider a flaw at all, but it automatically disqualifies me from "it" girl status: I've never had a boyfriend.

Most people think that with my "defining" involvements and such, I'd be a prime piece of girlfriend material, but I'm not. You see, most guys fear me, and with good reasons. And other guys just don't like me. I'm not exactly what you'd call ready for a relationship, so I guess I put up walls. Sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it keeps me safe.

I Must Confess...

2010-07-16T22:27:00.001-05:00

Confession: I hate being out of the loop, or just left out period. I cannot stand it when someone says, "It's an inside joke, you wouldn't understand." Or, "oh, you had to be there to get it." It drives me insane. Now, hold up, if you know anything about me you probably know that my friends and I share about a million "inside jokes." So why should I have room to talk? Because I don't want to leave people on the outside looking in. I try not to leave people curious about our inside jokes, and I try to explain them as much as possible. They may not find it funny, but I'm making an effort.
Happier Confession: I don't really mind staying home on a Friday night and reading a book. It's quite nice actually. My social calendar is pretty full as it is, and having the night off is pretty cool. :)

One last confession: I still think about that guy from speech and debate a lot... IDK why, this infatuation is so illogical. I mean, I really can't see it going anywhere. Maybe that is why I find it so appealling. Nothing is expected of it, just the enjoyment of being sought out. I'm so shallow sometimes.....

The End.

another little piece of my heart

2010-07-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

Special Camp. Those two simple words mean the world to me. The thought of them bring on a swarm of emotions, memories, excitement, exhaustion, smiles, and laughter. I am in love with a camp. I know, weird huh? Not so much. If you went, you'd be hooked too. Oh my goodness where to begin. I started working there three years ago in the craft hut (i can't be a full counselor till next summer, cuz of age restrictions). I've enjoyed the craft hut all three years. I love working with these extra special adults on such little things that seem to bring so much joy! The love and excited energy surrounding these campers is irreplaceable and unique.

Wait.

Allow me to elaborate on this. I don't know that you are acquainted with what special camp is. Special Camps are mentally retarded people, the one I go to is specifically for mentally retarded adults under the age of 50. These campers are not your average adult, the camp director defined it best when he said these are God's CHILDREN who will NEVER grow up. How blessed am I to see a 40 year old person who has the joy of a 7 year old. It is a beautiful sight, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I look forward to this camp every year, as it is one of the best weeks of the summer!

So now that you know a little background, you must know. I just came home from camp today. I had to say goodbye to the people who bring so much happiness into the simplest things in life. I must be honest: I feel as if someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped it into the dirt. I'm suffering from PSCD, Post Special Camp Depression. It happens for about a week every year after I get home from camp. Symptoms are an inability to stop talking about things that happened at camp, the fact that I'm constantly thinking about the campers and how much I miss them, and the fact that when I think about them, I want to cry because I can't give them a hug. So I'm rather melancholy tonight, because it's a bittersweet day. I miss my campers already, but I am so glad to be home and see my other friends. I miss my church. I miss my cheerleading squad. I miss my own cooking (vain i know but you've never tasted camp food). I'm so happy to be back, but so sad camp is over for another year. But hope, hope that I will have even more fun next year, that it what keeps me going. Thank God for special camp. It has truly changed my life.

Peace and Blessings.

a lot on my mind

2010-06-28T19:06:00.000-05:00

So these past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, tiring both physically and emotionally, it was draining and revitalizing, I cried and I laughed (a LOT on both counts), and I am so glad it's over now. I can't tell you the details of a lot of things, but there was some major drama, and it was really wearing on me. And by the way it's totally true what they tell you about your strength. You really don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Even though there was so much drama, I don't regret doing what I did. Because I know that I am a stronger person because of it. I mean I freakin worked an entire day at cheer camp on less than 45 minutes of sleep (no exaggeration). And I never once dropped a girl. Yeah, being strong was literally my only choice, and the only choice of my cheerleading squad.

But that wasn't all that happened in the past couple of weeks. I found out that I'm chaplain for my senior class. And I had my first class officer's meeting yesterday. It was great, I really enjoyed myself and feel that those who were chosen for positions are really good for the jobs. I'm really looking forward to my senior year now. =) I think it will be fantastic.

I also went to the lake, and got a little more tan... I'm darker than I've been in a long time, and I'm kinda happy about it. I know that sounds so vain, but forrealz, last summer it was rainy ALL SUMMER LONG, and then the year before that...... Well let's just say I was really lazy back in the day and leave it at that. So I haven't been really tanned for a while. And it's not just being tanned, it's that I actually look pretty good in my swimsuit and dresses and tanks and all that good stuff this year. Which makes me feel better. I mean, I still look at the picture from the cruise in 2008 and go, "oh my gosh I'm so fat." Cuz I really was overweight. And I guess I still have a hard time believing I'm a size 12 and not an 18 anymore. I mean, I really struggle to believe that I overcame that much in a year and a half. Granted, I've still got a ways to go, but I am working at it. I can RUN! Long distances! I never was able to do that before. It feels great.

And once again I have that feeling that everyone else sees my best friend more than I do. I know it sounds selfish, but all I really want to do is talk to my best friend. I mean really talk. Not just texting or facebook wall posts. I suppose I could settle for facebook chat at this point, but I really want that face to face confessional. But we're both so busy. IDK how that would ever work out. I mean, am I really that selfish? I know so many people who would consider me extremely lucky. My cell phone has to be charged almost everyday right now on account of how much I've been texting/being texted lately. And it's been with people I love talking to. And yet I'm still asking for more. I know, I know. I really need to get over myself. But seriously, I miss the good ole' days when we talked about boys on wednesday night after church. Was it really just over a year ago? It seems like forever...

Oh, and as if my life isn't busy enough, I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna have a party of sorts. With bubbles. And a beach ball. And candy. And Hawk Nelson blasting in a car stereo. And if it's not to much to ask, maybe some fireflies? Seriously, I would love to have something like that goin on in the next few days.

I told you I had a lot on my mind. Well, that's all for now. TTFN!

music is soulfood...

2010-06-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have a whole swarm of music running through my head that sum up everything i feel right now. So I decided to compile them on here...

Music's in my soul, I can hear it, everyday and every night, it's the one thing on my mind. Music's got control, and I'm never letting go, oh no, I just wanna play my music.

Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.

Summer nights, everybody are you with me? Let that igloo cooler mark your piece of paradise.

Well if I come across a little bit distant it's just because I am.

I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide and I'll be better when I'm older. I'll be the biggest fan of your life.

Cuz you see, the real me. Hiding in my skin, broken from within. Unveil me, completely. Cuz you see....

They might be bigger, but we're faster and never scared.... These things will change, can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. It's a revolution, the time WILL come for us to finally win. And we'll sing Hallelujah!

Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray, we need to pray just to make it today. That's why we pray!

All the girls and the boys and people making noise just let me hear you shout BRING EM OUT BRING EM OUT! Pump up your fists if you twist like this till the lights go out BRING EM OUT BRING EM OUT!

Do I have to scream, for you to hear me, do I have to bleed, for you to see me? Cuz I bleed, your not listening to me. Do i have to scream?

There's so much on my mind lately I can't make out my own thoughts anymore. I don't know where one begins and the other one ends. I wish that I could push a button and turn it all off just for a little while. Long enough to take a breath and then I know it'll be okay.

You keep me spinning around!

And Suddenly, it isn't what it used to be, after all this time it worked out just fine. And suddenly, I am where I'm supposed to be, after all the tears I was supposed to be here.

I got a superhero, he don't wear no shoes, he don't wear no cape, but he died for you. And when you see me, I'm gonna be on my knees, yeah I'm praising him high cuz he's the reason I breath.

Hey Now, Hey Now, this is what dreams are made of.

And my friend and I were in hopeful-romantic moods last night, so I began this rant. Entertain yourself by reading it....

Well honestly honey, I've decided that the entertainment industry finally got smart and decided to cast cute guys as main characters in action films so that chicks would watch it with their boyfriends. Or brothers and dads. Whichever is at the most convenience to them. Exhibit A) Star Trek (chris pine, hello PGE). Exhibit B) GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra (Channing Tatum, again PGE, and this time muscular military hunk. *sigh*). Exhibit C) Iron Man 2 (Robert Downey Jr, you know... for an old guy). And thus we can't watch action movies to escape hopeful romantic moods anymore. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!?!?!? We are utterly and totally and completely hopeless. I mean seriously, as if we didn't have it bad enough with chick flick babes like James Marsden and Patrick Dempsey, now I'm smiling for no reason at all while the Eiffel Tower is being eaten by chemical bug thingys just because Channing Tatum is DROP. DEAD. GORGEOUS.

anyway, i'm having a fabulous weekend and I'm so excited about cheer camp next week!

Stand- Rascal Flatts (aka the summation of my emotions)

2010-05-24T20:58:00.001-05:00

Stand- Rascal Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless

Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel

With the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon

With only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong

Wipe your hands, shake it off

Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

Oh

The Beginning of The End

2010-05-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

Thursday was my school's graduation, making me officially a senior. So far, it's not much different. I'm still me. But as I look around me, I realize I've already started in on the last time I will do a lot of things. I tried out for my high school cheerleading squad for the last time. I finished History for the last time. I'm fixinto go to Cheer Camp for the last time. In the next couple of weeks I will find out who my last cheerleading captain will be. I am about to start my last FIRST math lesson of the year. This is my last summer as a high school student. Today was my last day with the girls I've gone to Sunday school with for three years. Tonight may be the last starbucks night with all my starbucks buddies together. Yep, I'm definitely a senior now. So what do I do? Throughout the next 12 months I will be preparing for a huge change in my life. But I can't forget who I am going to leave behind. I have several girls looking up to me, and it's my job to make a difference in their life. As a senior my goal is to leave a legacy in high school. I want to be remembered by my love for God, and my love for everybody else. I am so excited about what lies ahead, and nervous at the same time. But above all else, I'm trusting God to carry me through my senior year. As I reflect on my high school years, I see that I have changed so much, that I have grown up, but I still see so much left to do, left to say. I will be a super girl of sorts, striving to change the world. I believe i can do it, because God is with me.

The End.

Resolved...

2010-05-15T23:21:00.000-05:00

The recent graduation of my best friend has brought me to a startling realization: I will soon be a senior. I only have so much time left to impact those around me, before they are replaced by college professors and late night study sessions. That is why I stand Resolved: That Doing Hard Things ought to be valued above Media and Social Laziness.

For clarification in my case I would like to bring a few definitions to the table.

Doing Hard Things- going above and beyond the call of duty, going the extra mile, rising above average, doing your absolute best.

Media and Social Laziness- tendencies to waste time watching too much tv, having meaningless conversations with friends, and all around slacking on everyday responsibilities.

Good Work Ethic- working hard to make your way in the world, not relying on others to get things done, working as a team to achieve a common goal, doing your part in life

Now that we know the core definitions for my case, let's look at my Value for today's debate round. My value is that of Good Work Ethic. Good Work Ethic is at the core of what makes our nation a great place to live and work. People with Good Work Ethic generally go further in life than those who don't.

So now that we have a value, or end goal, we must ask ourselves, HOW do we get to the value? We get to the value through our criterion, or path to get to the value, which is Doing Hard Things. Doing Hard Things is clearly outlined and encouraged in the book "Do Hard Things" by Alex and Bret Harris. Doing Hard Things will push us to improve our work ethic, making life better for everyone.

Now we have laid the foundation of my case. We have definitions, values/goals, and a way to get to those goals. So at this point you may be asking, why on earth is this so important? Well, we can see this clearly outlined in the following Contentions, or main points.

1.) Good Work Ethic promotes a better economy.

           -Think about it. Have you walked into a store and had poor service? Perhaps the employees were rude to you, or wouldn't help you find what you need? Do you shop there much? Probably not. It's pure logic that you want an enjoyable shopping experience and you will go where you can get the help you need. How about this, you bought a product that was of bad quality. Will you buy more of this product? Probably not. So if you are demanding for people to do a better job, or have better work ethic, you are pushing them to be more competitive. Competition promotes a very strong economy!

2.) Good Work Ethic is a Biblical standard.

           - "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

3.) Good Work Ethic is what I need.

           - I have become very lazy in one manner or another. I feel as if I lost my vision for what I am striving towards. I want to Do Hard Things, to make an impact on those around me. I am personally making a goal to put aside laziness and strive towards a better work ethic. I believe it will lead me to a better place in life.

It is for all these reasons I urge you to affirm the resolution today, and strive towards a better work ethic by doing hard things. Thank you and I now stand ready for Cross Examination.

Trivial Pursuit.... In Real Life...

2010-05-09T21:08:00.000-05:00

So I have to say this. I am a fan of The Notebook. I also cry like a baby when I watch this movie. As I was watching it the other night I questioned myself about what was so attractive about the movie. Or any chick flick really. I mean, besides the fact that they all have gorgeous men playing the lead roles. What I came up with was this, the pursuit. What makes me love Noah and Allie's story so much is that Noah pursued her. He EARNED her heart. He proved his worth and treated her like the special girl she was. Plain and simple, that's what I want in a guy.

So in my last post I gushed about the confusion welling up inside of me over an amazing guy. Well that ship has sailed.... At least for three months. I won't see him again until August, and the possibility of me speaking to him is not nearly as probable as I would like to think. But there is one thing I left out of my last post. The night he paid so much attention to me, he wrote on my arm in highlighter. I couldn't even read it, but he told me what it said. It said: You shine like the stars. The way he treated me, the fact that he didn't remember most of the tournament but still remembered that..... If that's not pursuit then IDK what is. But I can't bring myself to believe it. That, my friends, seriously messes with my head. Hormones are cleared up now, my head isn't spinning quite so much and I'm STILL stuck on that little fact. But I cannot sit and think about him all summer. I've got too much to do for God's glory. So once again, I'm finishing a speech and debate season crushing on this dude who is too young for me and I won't see for months. Once again I am putting my feelings and our friendship on the backburner to see how it holds up. I always tell my friends that if it's meant to be, it will happen. I suppose it's time for me to take my advice.... That's easier said than done. If he hadn't hugged me, I would have been okay. I would have thought he cared nothing about me and been fine in two days. But now I will be all nervous next time I see him... Oh the joys of summertime.

it's not the end of the world, but sometimes it feels like it....

2010-05-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

So I just went through one tough and largely disappointing weekend. With mixed happiness and confused emotions. And to be honest, at the end of it I just want to cry. I didn't qualify for Nationals in speech and debate. But one of my good friends did, and I'm happy for her. One day my friend ignores me and the next he gives me undivided attention and is sweet as pie. Why can't a person share earbuds without it meaning something to me. But it wasn't just sharing earbuds, it was listening to Rascal Flatts. It was a broken elephant bracelet tied around my finger during the awards ceremony. It was the shared pain of our backs hurting. And it was the fact that my hormones are completely and totally out of whack and I need some serious guarded heart reconstructing. On top of that, after next weekend I won't see him for 3 months. And then I'll be a senior. a SENIOR. Somebody HELP!

Okay, and prom. It's this Thursday!!!!! ACK! I am so ready in so many ways. And yet, I'm so NOT ready. I feel like I just need to get my emotions out on the table, but I'm not quite ready to do that. Why cause tension amongst my friends. I guess I will just have to learn that not everything in life goes my way.

Tomorrow night is Sports Banquet. I will have to endure a long night of honoring all the athletes in my school and their coaches, who will talk A LOT. But there's good food, and fun with friends, so yay!

Speech and Debate has ruled my emotions, my intellectual abilities, and my physical tiredness for 5 months. And now it's back to reality. I didn't even know reality still existed. I thought it died in January! But never-the-less, I have only a few lessons left in this school year and I will immediately begin senior year. And I just want to say that my friends keep saying "oh when things wind down midsummer..." But that's just it. I'm finishing one whirlwind just in time to start a whirlwind summer. I have about 3 weeks solely devoted to cheerleading, one to special camp counseling, and a whole lot of trigonometry in between. But cheerleading will end in november, taking a lot of stress out of my life. Just in time for speech and debate to start again. I really hope my senior year is full of fun.

And a lot of my close friends are graduating and starting college this year. Next year is going to be tough without them. I'm really gonna struggle with that. I really need to stop worrying. But I can't help it. My highschool years are zooming by, faster than I'm ready for them to. In October I will be do senior walk-out on homecoming night. 12 months from now I will be GRADUATING. I have 12 months to make a difference at my school.

I wish things with my best friend weren't on such a roller coaster ride. One moment things are perfect, the next it's like we're falling apart. I just need to go cry.

-I guess even SuperGirls need to cry-

Lost in the moment....

2010-04-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

So yesterday at my accountability group meeting we got on the subject of prayer and I just realized how sometimes I get so caught up in my prayers. I'll be writing in my prayer journal one moment, and next thing you know I am rolling all over my bed whispering to God all my secret desires and dreams. It's like when you're at a sleepover, and you've already had caffeine highs and sugar buzzes and now you've all calmed down and gotten in your sleeping bags for the night. Someone starts whispering quietly about boys, dreams, what hurts the most, and what makes them happiest. It's one of those moments I have with God. They are pretty amazing, and I get so lost in the moment.

And sometimes I get lost in the moment with music. I get so into the song I let it carry me on a dream through the story of each verse. But three minutes later the song ends, and I'm snapped back to reality. What do I do then? I've tasted a dream, a dream that I want with all my heart, and now it's disappeared. So I get up, dust myself off, and set out to find a dream that I can keep. Am I crazy? maybe. Do I enjoy myself? absolutely.

who will step up?

2010-04-19T21:04:00.000-05:00

I love the story of Samuel in the Bible, hearing God's call and saying "Speak Lord, for your servant is listening." I love reading in Isaiah when God ask "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" and answering in my heart "Here I am Lord, send me." Have you ever heard God's voice? Have you had that still small voice in the night calling for you? I have. I have many convictions about where God wants me to go and what he wants me to do. But as my senior year is fast approaching, I am faced with yet another call, another conviction. This is conviction to step up and be a leader. To step up and show people by example how a Christ-like young woman acts. To show people that the things of this world (popularity, looks, etc) don't matter. I will take a stand. I won't be perfect, I will fail at times. But I'm gonna do my best to be the person people know they can trust, and know they can look up to. It came to my attention tonight that some of my friends are struggling to step up and be leaders, and they are having trouble being that senior, that top dog that others can look up to. Part of me is just burdened for this friend, just heartbroken that someone who holds so much power in their hands is struggling to use it for God's glory. The other part of me is kinda angered, just wanting to shake them and say "what on earth are you thinking? STEP UP! BE A LEADER!" But I know I can't force it on my friend, and I know that no one is perfect. So I pray. I pray that God changes their heart. I pray that God uses them, and me. And I pray that we will make a difference, in a world that pushes us to be the same, pushes us not to take a stand for what we believe. Lord, use us!

-Everyday Supergirl

Spring Days and Sunny Rays...

2010-04-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

So after months of cold, ice, and snow (not the norm for where I live) spring has sprung. We've had beautiful warm and sunny days lately, and Easter Sunday was gorgeous and perfect for spending the day with my family. Especially since I was in a sundress all day. ;-) But with this spring has come many imperfections and startling realizations in my life. First off, allergies. I have been sneezing out the wazoo! Second off, confusion about where my senior year will take me. Third, I had my first car accident the other day... That was an extremely emotional experience. And now prom is coming around and IDK how this is going to work out. At first it was just a few friends going, and now it's spiraling into this huge group and I'm not sure how well it will work. I know, I know I should just trust God. And that's what I'm doing. That and trying to get some firmer plans. But I've decided to stop worrying so much about all this, and focus on what I love about spring. So below I shall list a few of my favorite things about spring.

1.) Warm sunny days
2.) Long peaceful walks
3.) The azalea bush blooming
4.) Inspiration for art work
5.) Bright happy colored clothing
6.) Laying in the driveway daydreaming.

Well these are just a few things I enjoy about spring. I hope God blesses me and you with many more.

-Everyday Supergirl

Lost inside myself...

2010-03-31T23:08:00.000-05:00

I don't really know how I got to this point, or why I am here now. All I know is that I'm not the same person I was four years ago. I've changed a lot and as sad as it is to say, I don't know if I can go back to how it was. The closer I'm getting to my senior year the more I realize I don't know about myself. I thought I had figured out who I was. The cheerleader who could logically speak and debate as well as an excellent hunter and an all-around God-lover. But now I'm not so sure. I still love cheerleading, but I'm not sure I belong there anymore. My heart is changed toward it and I don't know if I can go back to it. Perhaps it's best that I move on to other things. Perhaps God would like to reveal other plans to me, plans that can't take place if I'm a cheerleader. I'm so confused. My heart is torn, as well as my head. I seem to have lost myself somewhere inside the list of extra-curricular activities that have so definitely defined me for so long. Now they don't make sense anymore.

I don't know what I want from my senior year. I want it to be great, but I'm afraid I'll make a choice now that I will regret later. I'm supposed to be increasingly independent now, but I'm so dependent on others decisions and ideas now. Why can't I be more decisive. Why can't I say "this is who I am, take it or leave it" and go on with life? How can I expect others to respect me when I don't even know who "me" is anymore. Yep, life is definitely not going to be easy tomorrow. I think my worst fear will come true tomorrow-- I won't be able to go back to how it was before...

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. God, I don't know what the future holds from me, but I need your wisdom, your peace that transcends all understanding. I need your guidance, because I fear I will make a wrong turn tomorrow. Lord I believe you can pull through for me. I have faith that you will hear my cries and answer my prayers. Lord help my unbelief....

Bring It All Together

2010-03-19T23:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I will admit, I'm a melodramatic nuisance to many people. I complain too much and I am super picky about what kind of purse I carry. I like the way I look, sometimes a little too much. I daydream my way into disappointment. I have been known to overanalyze, and I read way too much into what my friends say. I love being organized, but I'm all too often disorganized. I should wake up earlier in the day and spend more time memorizing scriptue. I am deeply flawed. But God still loves me.

I go to church with some of the best friends a girl could ask for, but they are deeply flawed as well. I do extra-curriculars with some of the smartest kids you'll ever meet (did I forget to mention I'm a nerd?), but they are deeply flawed as well. I have friends all across the United States, and every one of them is deeply flawed. But God still loves all of these people.

Lately I realized I have been worrying way too much about what my friends are or aren't doing. I've been focusing on how they let me down, and I've been snubbing them in the process. I've been too worried about their flaws to focus on mine. I can't keep living like this. I have to stop putting up walls between me and my friends and enjoy them. I have to stop worrying about their flaws and start looking at how I can fix mine. As my mom always says, "you can't change them, you can only change yourself."

I'm bringing it all together. I'm not going to keep on worrying about the problems, and I'm pressing on with these relationships. I've been more than blessed with these friends, and it's time I started acting like it. I guess I'm not so super after all....

-Everyday Supergirl

Caught Up In Distractions

2010-03-14T20:28:00.000-05:00

Some people seem to float through life as if nothing hits deeper than the skin. They can go from one friend to the next without any remorse over the pitfalls of relationships. They can easily be distracted by material things, and they are always chasing "the next big thing." Some days I despise those people for their carefree ways. Some days I am one of them, floating on a cloud, ready for whatever comes my way. But who am I kidding? I know all too well that at the end of those days I go home and curl up in bed feeling empty and alone. It is right after I've spent a carefree day that I go into the deepest depressions. So why do I do it? Why do I chase the temporary fillers? Why do I thrive on brief moments of fake joy??? There is no good answer. Every educated guess has the same conclusion: I don't know.

I'm so much more than skin deep. When someone disappoints me, I feel it. When I disappoint someone, I feel it. Some people think that just because I goof off, I don't care. They couldn't be further from the truth. I.... I am an extremely caring person. I wasn't always like this, though. I was a hard hearted child, and it took a lot of prayer to melt my heart of stone. But once it's melted, it's melted. It's vulnerable, and I feel so strung out. I care so much, I don't want to let anyone down. And I want people to see me for who I am.

My fear of disappointing people has me so stressed that I can't do anything effectively. I can't handle the pressure. One person expects me to excel in my education and home life (chores, family duties), another expects me to excel in extra-curriculars. Many people expect a counselor and friend out of me. And yet I feel I have no one to fall back on. I'm so drained from everybody wanting something out of me, and I need someone to guide me through this. How do I handle it all? I'm still trying to figure it out.

But I do know one thing. I've been letting this stress distract me from just being a child of God. I've let this need to be perfect in everything exceed my need to rely on God. Which is kinda stupid, seeing as how he's the only way I could possibly handle anything I'm going through. Yep, life is pretty stressful, but God's on my side. We'll make it through, somehow, someway.......

Hanging with the cool kids...

2010-02-07T20:44:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I have a great group of friends that I know I can depend on. And then I have friends who I'm not very close to and at the local high school they're the "cool kids." So tonight my close group of friends wasn't around me, they all had to be other places. This left me by myself with a bunch of "the cool kids" and I felt kinda on the outside looking in. They were playing catchphrase, and then all of a sudden they asked if I wanted to play. I joined the game and they made me feel so welcome. Man, I've never been one to care about popularity, and I still don't, but tonight, when the cool kids were including me in their group, I felt like I mattered to someone outside my close group of friends. And let me tell you, that was an awesome feeling. It wasn't a big deal to them, but it was to me. I didn't think most of them even knew my name, but they do. And then when I had to leave earlier than them, they were sad I was leaving. It was a good feeling, to know that I've made other acquaintances that I can hang out with at church besides my inside group. Just thought I'd share that with you blog readers tonight.

If you don't have a close group of friends, or you've never been included by the "cool kids," don't sweat it. Popularity isn't everything. In fact, it's not much compared to other things in life. But I want you to know you always have a true friend in me, and in God. He's there for you even when everyone else fails you! He loves you so much!

Love, Kat

Discipleship

2010-01-17T19:34:00.000-06:00

Okay, so this may seem like a weird way to start a blog, but we all gotta start somewhere. This weekend I went to a church retreat (a DNow retreat actually), and needless to say, it was a moving experience.

Well the session the impacted me the most was Saturday night. All weekend I had been telling God, "I know I've had a firsthand experience with you, and I know I'm following your will. But I need you to reveal to me what to do next. Lord I know I'm beginning to influence my friends, but there's gotta be something more I can do." Well, if there is one thing I've learned in life, NEVER ask God what he wants you to do, unless you really wanna find out. I found out. At the Saturday night session, we talked about what a youth group should like. A youth group should have four foundational components: Listening to Teachings, Fellowship, Breaking of Bread, and Prayer. And then we discussed what the difference is between breaking bread and fellowship. While breaking bread is essentially just hanging out, fellowship actually requires you to talk about God. Something you might do while fellowshipping is say "hey girl/dude, what's God doing in your life?" And as the session progressed there was a calling, deep inside my soul, and others. A calling for us to stand up and be leaders, to reach out and disciple the younger ones, showing them what it's like to really follow Christ. I have begun my ministry in a couple of areas but now I am (already in progress) reaching out. I am discipling my younger peers. I know God can use these people to do wonderful things, and I want to be a part of it.

The second part of this post really has nothing to do with the previous paragraphs, but I feel the need to throw this out there. Another thing that really impressed me this weekend was the group of 6th Grade Guys. They were the youngest group, and therefore deemed to be the most immature, rude, and horribly behaved kids at the conference right? WRONG. These guys rocked my world this weekend! First of all, their leader handled them well, I will give them that, but those boys were ready to comply with his ideas. They were gentlemen! They took plates for others to the trash/kitchen after EVERY meal! They were the best behaved kids, always waiting to go last in line, always paying attention during the sessions, and they always, always, ALWAYS did this with a good attitude! Sad to say, but they were better behaved than the senior boys. I pray that those guys continue to follow Christ diligently, and that they continue these honorable characteristics in their lives! If they do, by the time they are seniors, they will be an unstoppable force!

Well anywho, that's about it. These two things made a difference in my life this weekend. Praise God for all he did, all he is doing, and all he will do!